In-Depth: Abuse more prevalent than many believe
Photo Credit: Kaiti Xouris
Whether physical or psychological, abuse is more common than many students or parents admit. Photo Illustration - Models: Katie Esklund and Charles Rogers
February 19, 2010 • Matthew Morefield, Managing Editor
Filed under In-Depth, Top Stories
She walks into the room. Instead of drawing attention, she fades into the background. No air of confidence emanates from her; no soft laughter escapes her lips. She walks into the room quietly, sleeves pulled down over her wrists and eyes on the ground. She has taught herself to blend into the background.
“I used to be happier, more carefree,” she said. “Now I don’t really trust anyone. Without the abuse, I would feel like a regular teenage girl.”
Abuse changes the very dynamic of a person. Victims who were once confident and outgoing blame themselves when the dominant person in the relationship has control, and they are overcome by a feeling of inferiority.
“Honestly, I sometimes think I deserve it,” she said. “It makes you question yourself a lot. It’s a lot of pressure to never mess up.”
While the reality of abuse seems like a distant worry to most high school students – something that is only found in movies – it is shocking how frequently it really occurs. Physical and psychological abuse can occur in families or in dating relationships.
In its National Teen Dating Violence Prevention Initiative, the American Bar Association found that 20 percent of male students have witnessed peers hit boyfriends or girlfriends.
“I think it’s more prevalent than anyone will ever know, or any survey will ever tell us,” counselor Kristi Dixon said. “On average, two to three times a month I am talking to someone about an unhealthy relationship.”
Dixon said some victims will rationalize abuse, telling themselves that they did something to deserve it or that there’s nothing they can do to fix the situation. Yet some victims are able to stand on their own two feet and set their eyes on a goal: to move past the abuse.
“It’s inspiring to enjoy the good moments, so I focus more on the good, and if the bad stuff happens, I just remember I’m not the only one with this problem,” she said. “I just remember these things won’t happen forever.”
The problem with stopping the abuse is that it frequently goes unnoticed. Abuse is not only the stereotypical bruise or the fingerprints on someone’s shoulder. It happens to both boys and girls, and it happens in a variety of ways. Whether it is physical, emotional or verbal, it can strike just as deeply and leave just as much of a mark as a slap across the face. According to the American Bar Association, violent relationships will lead to a higher likelihood of abusive adult relationships, substance abuse, eating disorders, risky sexual behavior and suicide.
“I’ve experienced kind of all three [types of abuse], starting with something verbal, coming from my mom,” she said. “Then she gets mad and tells my dad. The physical stuff used to really bug me. I didn’t know what I did wrong, but I’ve gotten used to it.”
Sometimes, the acclimation to maltreatment can be more harmful than the abuse itself. Victims are ashamed to share their situation, and they force themselves to adjust to the abuse instead of confront it. The inability to bring the situation out in the open forces the victim to somehow deal with the feelings alone.
“People are embarrassed, and you feel like you should just be able to get out of it,” Dixon said. “The brainwashing, [thinking they] deserve it, provoke it, and they start to think it’s their fault.”
Anyone can say that victims should be able to stand up for themselves and leave their abuser. That is until it happens to them. The mindset of a victim changes drastically from that of an onlooker. From the outside, the answer is simple and straightforward, but once someone is battered daily and mocked constantly, the way out is difficult, and oftentimes the victim fears additional punishment from his or her abuser.
“I think [I accept it] by just justifying it,” she said. “No one wants to think their parents don’t love them, but you get to a point where you are numb about it. I would almost rather be hit than to have them say something hurtful. Bruises go away, but you never forget the things people say.”
The permanence of abuse leaves a victim emotionally crippled even years later. The isolation of abuse can leave a victim feeling helpless, worthless, and completely alone. Some experiences forever alter a person’s ability to love, trust and socialize.
“I’ve never experienced the feeling of being unconditionally loved,” she said. “I have problems getting close to people.”
If a friend is suffering from abuse, the main priority should be to help compassionately. The first step is not always to go running to a teacher, parent or trusted adult. Although this is helpful in some situations, addressing the victim in person is often a viable first option.
“Let your friend know you care and are truly concerned,” Dixon said. “Have a one-on-one conversation, hopefully face-to-face.”
The abuser may be a family member or authority figure that is, in the victim’s eyes, inescapable. While many victims may fantasize running away, therefore escaping their problems, their actions must be rational and the situation dealt with realistically. Not every situation allows a victim to confront the problem immediately. According to the American Bar Association, only 33 percent of teens who were in an abusive relationship ever reported it.
“It’s kind of hypocritical because I would say to talk to someone,” she said. “But it’s just not worth it for me to talk to someone.”
Sometimes the escape is simply time; eventually the abuser will move on, or the victim will become old enough to leave. Many times the victim develops a defense system to get them through the violence.
“I’ve had to grow up really fast,” she said. “It’s my rescue though to have a sense of humor. I’ve learned sometimes fighting back isn’t the answer, but it’s just not worth it for me to talk to someone.”
Sometimes the escape is simply time; eventually the abuser will move on, or the victim will become old enough to leave. Many times the victim develops a defense system to get them through the violence.
“I’ve had to grow up really fast,” she said. “It’s my rescue though to have a sense of humor. I’ve learned sometimes fighting back isn’t the answer.”
EDITOR’S NOTE: The name of the source for this article has been omitted to protect her anonymity.
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